I wrote this to your brother too. I wanted to share it with you both.
As parents we spend a lot of time trying to guide your behaviour and imprint on you the norms of current society. Some of it is obvious and well established, such as doing no harm to yourself and others, but there are other parts that are more nuanced or even subjective, such as sharing what you have and being kind. Then there are the mundane, such as how to eat in company or regulate the volume of your exclamations. Recently, in a Harvester, you and Oliver were discussing loudly why Pepsi is not good for you after hearing the table next to us order two with their lunch...
It occurs to me though, that this constant barrage of parenting advice might cause some consternation or confusion in a young mind. Nothing you are doing is premeditated, or almost nothing. You do not eat with your hands in rejection of tools, you do not shout in your enthusiasm to gain an advantage. These are completely natural behaviours and they are simple you being you, running on instinct and nature. So to be constantly told that your actions, reactions and decisions are wrong could easily lead you to the conclusion that you yourself are somehow intrinsically "wrong". I do all these things simply "because..", and yet my parents tell me it is not how to behave. Why do I always do the wrong thing? Maybe I should adapt myself to better suit what others expect?
Well, yes and no.
Hopefully I have addressed this concern a long time before you get to read this note, but still, I want to point this out again, as it has been valuable to me in my recent quest to unpack my anxiety and chill the eff out. It is simply this. You can aim to be a certain person, to demonstrate a set of values and behaviours, but you don't have to be that person at all times.
Kindness is a powerful and important quality for us, your parents. I hope that you have taken to our wish that you are kind. If you agree and you practice kindness in your day to day, I will be happy. But then there will be times when you fail to be kind. And that is alright. Maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, maybe you were being petulant. Sometimes people don't deserve kindness. If this happens to you, it is not that you are not a kind person, or that you are just pretending to be kind when it suits you, rather it is that you are capable of both approaches. The aim in life is to have the moments of kindness outweigh the moments when it is lacking. Just remember, you are a person capable of kindness, and always will be, not a kind or an unkind person. Don't define yourself by your latest actions.
Patience is also a skill I hope you can master in life. I am still learning it. As I write this, you are approaching 7 and your brother is nearly 5. Patience is tested on a daily basis. You should be patient in your dealings with people and events in this life. Except when you are not. Accept when you are not. There are times when patience seems unattainable, and if you achieve it you should enjoy the moment, give yourself credit. Other times it will come easily. When it is not there, or you fail to bring patience to a frustrating situation, get through it, forgive and maybe think on how you can do better next time. You are a person capable of patience and always will be.
Fairness should be something you care about. You will enjoy its benefits and hopefully will be its champion. Strive to be fair in your dealings with others. And then you will fail to be fair. You will take an advantage you have or forget to share an opportunity with others. And that is OK. The hope is that when you realise your actions may have been unfair, you will care about that and make amends, or maybe just learn for the future. You are a person capable of being fair, and always will be. It is not who you are, it is what you can be.
I won't go on. I hope you see the point I am trying to make. You are capable of a huge range of behaviours and actions, and they will fit into as many categories as you would like to fit them. Never doubt yourself because sometimes you do not choose to behave how you would like to behave. It does not define who you are, it simply defines what you have done. If you look across your life and the majority of the impact you have is not in line with who you strive to be, then make a change, but never put aside all the positives in order to give space to some of the negatives. You are a person capable of kindness, unkindness, patience, intolerance, fairness, injustice and much much more. Choose to do more of the things that you feel make your world a better place and know that I love you, whatever you choose.
