That darn brain of yours

 Let’s talk a little about how most brains are unique. People often say that everyone is an individual, different in what they like, do, and think. Personally, I tend to notice the similarities; I see how most people behave and react in much the same way. I think that’s because I often feel like I don’t behave or react like they do.

It is likely that nearly everyone’s brain works slightly differently. Just like a fingerprint, your brain is unique to you; in many ways, it identifies you. Mostly, these differences are small and go unnoticed from the outside. But when the difference is significant, it stands out. It might even be big enough to get its own name, like Dyslexia or ADHD. In the end, however, it is just how a brain works and it is as natural as a fingerprint.

It feels a little odd writing this to the "you" I know now, but with the intent that a future version of you will be the one reading it. Right now, the idea of thinking differently is uncomfortable for you. You don’t quite understand why people keep pointing it out. By the time you read this, you will probably know more about this subject than I do today.

When I was growing up, no one talked about these things. I had no one to explain why I never felt like I fit in, or why I couldn't understand why people were interested in the things they were. Eventually, I got very good at mimicking those around me. I learned to play the role of one of the crowd, no matter which crowd I was in. Looking back, I don’t think I was fooling anybody but myself.

Right now, in early 2026, I am starting to see patterns in how your brain interprets the world. You are eleven, and I see you approaching life much like I do. Things that don’t interest you are incredibly hard to give attention to. Time is not granular for you; it is simply "now" or "later." Objects hold little interest, so bottles, coats, gloves, and pens often go missing. (Just yesterday, I left my lunch container and water bottle at the office. So believe me, I get it.)

You have a fierce sense of injustice and you see it everywhere. You feel blamed for things that aren't your fault, and you feel your brother gets favoritisim. Meanwhile, your mind is constantly making connections—not always obvious or conventional ones—sparking ideas that spark other ideas until they are a roaring flame. It isn't something you can control or turn off. Because of this, you find it hard to let go of a thought, especially if you are denied what you want. You get stuck on having your own way, sometimes derailing a whole day in your refusal to move on.

These are the things I recognize in you because I see them in myself. While you have many other unique parts to you, we share these specific traits: we cannot prioritize things that aren't immediate or interesting; we both obsess over ideas or interactions; we are both capable of laser-focus when something captures our attention. We see links between things that others do not. We are both a bit of a mess. Compulsive and takers of risks.

But even in this, we are different. I don’t like being touched unless I’m in the mood for it, whereas you love to be in people’s space. Yet, you struggle with how certain things feel on your body or the texture of food. For you, even brushing your teeth can be a sensory overload. We are two sides of the same coin: similar in our dissimilarities.

Until now, I haven't looked head-on at how my brain truly works. Recently, I have been struggling to succeed in many parts of my life because of it; as a partner, an employee, and most frustratingly, as a father. I see my own reactions reflected back at me through you and your brother. I am realizing now that I play a profound role in shaping how you handle the way your brain processes the world.

This realization requires me to do a few things. I need to understand my own unique brain. I need to learn how to tweak my responses so I can use its potential to achieve what I want. And above all, I need to support you on that same journey.

Let’s see how we get on.

As always, I sign off by reminding you how much I love you. How could the coin not love its other side?

Finishing Primary

 One and a half years since the last post. Quite a bit has happened. 

We are now in the first half term of your last year in primary school. You are doing great at school. You have represented the school in many sports, now adding Hockey to the list. The team came joint first, as you drew the final. 

We know which secondary school you will be going to now. Eastwood Academy. It was the one you wanted to go to. I think because they are good at sports and you have some friends that were going to go. Your best friend, Fergus Wilson, is not going. So we shall see if you are still in contact at the time of reading this. 

Academically you are very bright, love learning and enjoy using your quick wit to win arguments. A carbon copy of your Dad (and probably Mum too, although I didn't know her when she was at school). Dyslexia and a world pandemic mean your Maths and Writing are not where they could be for your age, but I reckon you'll sort that out as and when you need to. You are bright, friendly, very imaginative and have an engineering brain. You'll do great.

I have watched you mature over this last year and a bit. You have begun to be able to put the breaks on that Ferrari brain of yours. I described to you that your brain is like a Formula One car, but with the breaks of a bicycle (it's from a book called ADHD 2.0). You pointed out to me recently that you think the breaks are now like a normal cars breaks, trying to stop a racing car. I agree, you are showing time and again that you now have the ability to realise when you are going too fast and you can slow it down sometimes. You start to get going and then you say, "Never mind, that can't happen right now". Breaks on. I am so proud of you. 

I have not been working for 6 months. I got made redundant at Depop (meaning they got rid of my job, so I had to leave). I now work at Kraken, a technology company focused on getting people to use green energy. Hopefully I still work there when you read this. It has given me the time to be with you an Oliver a bit more. I think it has been good for us. Don't get me wrong, we have had our moments! Sometimes when I am feeling bad (not because of you, because my mind plays tricks on me a lot) I find it hard to be around other people. Ironically, it can be being with you and your brother that helps me get over this. 

We sometime get to hang out, just you an me. We have got in to the habit of going for food at a place called Molo Lounge. I think mostly because you like getting a cup of jellybean that they sell there. You and your brother are a little addicted to sweets and processed food. It's a problem for all parents. This food tastes good and gives you a dopamine hit, so you seek it out. We try to get you to choose healthy options, but kids don't like healthy foods, and ALL your mates eat junk too, so it's a losing battle for us. Poor parents. 

You in particular are a bit of a thrill seeker. You get very irate and frustrated if you don't get your next little hit. You get sucked in to Youtube shorts, and find it so hard to turn it off. Not your fault, the company that make it designed it to do just that. They have had huge success and it should be something to be proud of, to be so good at what they do. But I hope they are ashamed instead. They are making people ill. Addicted to there devices and constantly seeking the next engagement. I fear for the world you are about to enter. 

We are probably going to give you your first mobile phone soon, as you prepare to go to secondary school. We are going to have to be very diligent to guide you through the pitfalls of the digital world. At least I work in the industry, so have a little insight into how these companies work. 

You are growing, my boy. You have started taking on responsibilities in the house, guided by your mum, and it is great to see. You are getting better at understanding and controlling your emotions. You are able to talk about many things, you love formula one for example. We can play points on a full tennis court now and it won't be long before you can beat my best effort. 

You are growing, but you are still a child. Full of imagination, excitement and confidence. I want to encourage your growth but I don't want to discourage your childhood. Let's find a balance. 

I am growing too. I am learning to be more patience, more tolerant and more empathetic with you. I feel that I have let you down in one aspect. I tell you constantly that I want you to change your behaviour, make different decisions, but I don't think I have driven home the message that there is nothing wrong with you, with how you react or behave. It is all perfectly natural and just who you are right now. When I ask you to do it differently you should know that is because it makes things easier to behave the way I am suggesting. Whether I mean easier for you, or easier for me is open for discussion. The fact remains, though, that if I have made you feel uncomfortable about who you are, it was a grave mistake, and I hope that I have fixed that by the time you read this. 

You are awesome. Creative, supportive, intelligent, handsome, skillful and powered by a Formula One car brain. When those breaks are fully developed, you will be a champion! 

I love you Millie. Now and always. 

Things have changed

Not everything has changed, but some big and important things have. I am still writing these posts at 4 am, for instance. However, I am doing it from a new house, and we no longer all live as one family. 

As I am certain you know, this was my decision. It wasn't something your mother wanted. It was something I needed. I am also certain that both myself and your mum have done everything we could to make you understand this is between her and I, and it is not about you at all. There is nothing you did, or could do, that had an part in my decision. Let's check in that you really understood that, and still do when reading this.

When something like this happens, it is not easy for anyone. I am sure that you have been sad, confused, frustrated and worried. I am hoping very much that your mother and I are helping you to feel safe and taking the edge of the whole thing. Your mother, to her credit, while feeling sad herself, has done a lot to protect you and your brother from the hurt.

And you? You continue to grow and become a more well defined person. You are now two years from completing primary school, and we have begun to look at secondary schools. Let's hope we choose the right one for you. For me, I want to find a school that will celebrate your intelligence, personality, creativity and energy, without putting too much pressure on you for not enjoying the academic side of school life. Having said that, it is essential that you learn some skills now that will help you handle that Ferrari of a brain of yours. I still don't have a great set of tools to deal with the way my attention and focus acts more like a shotgun than a laser beam. If you can learn at this early age to accept how your brain is going to act and work with it as a super power, not fight it like I do all the time, then maybe when you are an adult, you won't be up at 4 am writing blog posts! So we need to find a balance for you. I'll give it a go. 

You are not enjoying your football right now. You spent last season in goal, as your team needed a keeper. For most of it you enjoyed it. Starting the new season, you had no training over the holidays. Now you are playing against bigger and stronger kids, and they are hitting the ball at you harder, faster and with more accuracy. So it is not as fun as before and that is sad for me. So we are looking to get your mojo back. There is a coach you like, called Jason, and we are going to go along to a session or two with him, to lift your game. Also, some of the other players will take some time in goal. This will take the pressure off you and also allow you to get some time on the pitch again.

Right now I feel like we are getting on well. Your mother sent me some podcasts from a lady who has some great ideas of how to talk to kids when they are feeling emotional. I have been trying it out and, sometimes, it seems to help. That may be you getting older, but it works with Ollie too. I still have a lot to learn though! I get frustrated far too quickly. But let's learn this stuff together. I am a bit late to the game, so the 9 year old and the 48 year old are at about the same spot with learning EQ! I look forward to that day when I realised you have left me behind, and become that reflective, empathetic, perceptive boy I know you are going to be. 

Love you. Proud of you. My boy.

How you have grown

 You have grown. Not surprising really, given how long it has been since I last wrote to you, but a fact none the less. You are taller, as expected, but what I am really talking about is your maturity. At just 2 months past you 8th birthday I am seeing how you are learning to live in the emotional world. You recognise and articulate your impulses and urges. "I REALLY want to keep playing this video game!" when asked to finish and get ready to leave. "I just REALLY want to eat more of that!" when ask to choose a more healthy snack. However, now, instead of heading off into a tortured tantrum that descends into chaos, you step back, you calm yourself and you let reason have its say, "... but I'll turn it off". "... okay, I'll take the apple". 

You are also moving on with your academic challenges. You are still not, and may never be, well suited to learning by sitting down and repeating difficult tasks. Your brain (as does mine) will not let you focus on one mundane task, unless it excites you. The moment it becomes challenging and uncomfortable, you get distracted and look for something more rewarding to do with your time. Usually that means kicking some species of ball, indoors or out, or begging for screen time, TV or Nintendo. That is not to say that you do nothing that is hard. You are extremely able and can achieve a lot. You just lack a bit of patience with tasks you are not confident with. Maybe I can help you with that. There are two things I think you would benefit from learning right now, how to be bored and how to do things you don't want to do. Maybe, when reading this, we can check if we made any progress on these two?

You continue to show interest in sports, playing tennis, table tennis, rugby, football and anything else that comes along, to be honest. You just made the school team for a football match, under 10s, so playing against some bigger kids. You entered (and won) a tennis tournament and you got into the top ten for cross country trails in your year. Not only do you enjoy your sports, you have a lot of talent in it too. Hopefully we can expose you to as many sports as possible and you will find the ones that give you the most joy. 

As for me, I continue to grow and learn my role as your father. I make mistakes, quite often, but I am convinced I have your best at heart. They are honest mistakes, from a man who has little skill or expertise in dealing with the bundle of energy and emotion that you are. I try my hardest to remind you that I am just trying to guide your behaviour, not make you feel like you are not getting it right. I want you to love who you are, be aware of all the contradictions that a person is and know that my love for you is unconditional to who you decide to be. Again, we can check in on those goals when we read this. 

I look forward to seeing whats next for you and I am highly motivated to do my best for you. You are my son and I am proud of everything that you are x

You are more than one person.

 

I wrote this to your brother too. I wanted to share it with you both.

As parents we spend a lot of time trying to guide your behaviour and imprint on you the norms of current society. Some of it is obvious and well established, such as doing no harm to yourself and others, but there are other parts that are more nuanced or even subjective, such as sharing what you have and being kind. Then there are the mundane, such as how to eat in company or regulate the volume of your exclamations. Recently, in a Harvester, you and Oliver were discussing loudly why Pepsi is not good for you after hearing the table next to us order two with their lunch...

It occurs to me though, that this constant barrage of parenting advice might cause some consternation or confusion in a young mind. Nothing you are doing is premeditated, or almost nothing. You do not eat with your hands in rejection of tools, you do not shout in your enthusiasm to gain an advantage. These are completely natural behaviours and they are simple you being you, running on instinct and nature. So to be constantly told that your actions, reactions and decisions are wrong could easily lead you to the conclusion that you yourself are somehow intrinsically "wrong".  I do all these things simply "because..", and yet my parents tell me it is not how to behave.  Why do I always do the wrong thing? Maybe I should adapt myself to better suit what others expect?

Well, yes and no.

Hopefully I have addressed this concern a long time before you get to read this note, but still, I want to point this out again, as it has been valuable to me in my recent quest to unpack my anxiety and chill the eff out. It is simply this. You can aim to be a certain person, to demonstrate a set of values and behaviours, but you don't have to be that person at all times.

Kindness is a powerful and important quality for us, your parents. I hope that you have taken to our wish that you are kind. If you agree and you practice kindness in your day to day, I will be happy. But then there will be times when you fail to be kind. And that is alright. Maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, maybe you were being petulant. Sometimes people don't deserve kindness. If this happens to you, it is not that you are not a kind person, or that you are just pretending to be kind when it suits you, rather it is that you are capable of both approaches. The aim in life is to have the moments of kindness outweigh the moments when it is lacking. Just remember, you are a person capable of kindness, and always will be, not a kind or an unkind person. Don't define yourself by your latest actions.

Patience is also a skill I hope you can master in life. I am still learning it. As I write this, you are approaching 7 and your brother is nearly 5. Patience is tested on a daily basis. You should be patient in your dealings with people and events in this life. Except when you are not. Accept when you are not. There are times when patience seems unattainable, and if you achieve it you should enjoy the moment, give yourself credit. Other times it will come easily. When it is not there, or you fail to bring patience to a frustrating situation, get through it, forgive and maybe think on how you can do better next time. You are a person capable of patience and always will be.

Fairness should be something you care about. You will enjoy its benefits and hopefully will be its champion. Strive to be fair in your dealings with others. And then you will fail to be fair. You will take an advantage you have or forget to share an opportunity with others. And that is OK. The hope is that when you realise your actions may have been unfair, you will care about that and make amends, or maybe just learn for the future. You are a person capable of being fair, and always will be. It is not who you are, it is what you can be.

I won't go on. I hope you see the point I am trying to make. You are capable of a huge range of behaviours and actions, and they will fit into as many categories as you would like to fit them. Never doubt yourself because sometimes you do not choose to behave how you would like to behave. It does not define who you are, it simply defines what you have done. If you look across your life and the majority of the impact you have is not in line with who you strive to be, then make a change, but never put aside all the positives in order to give space to some of the negatives. You are a person capable of kindness, unkindness, patience, intolerance, fairness, injustice and much much more. Choose to do more of the things that you feel make your world a better place and know that I love you, whatever you choose. 

 Dood. 

It has been a year now that we have been living with a pandemic. We have had to hunker down in our little bungalow and live one on top of the other. It has not been easy, but, to be honest, it has not been as difficult as one might expect.

You are growing. Getting taller, your face is thinning and you mind is getting stronger. You are reading better, writing more, have longer conversations and even beginning to understand a little about your emotions. 

What else has changed since last I wrote to you? We have added some rooms to the bungalow, where the loft once was. You and Ollie now have a long room upstairs and seem to be enjoying it! You were unsure to begin with, not liking the idea of being so high up, but you quickly got used to it. 

We are currently reading a series of books about a nasty old man called Mr Gum. 

You and Ollie are enjoying them (and so am I). They are very silly, a bit rude and sometimes a little scary. But also, some parts a very funty (that's how we say funny now we've read the books). 

It can be quite hard, trying to do the best for you and your brother. You are both very demanding, not your fault but still it can be tiring to have to fight you to do things like pick up your toys, clean your teeth, get changed, eat your food, turn off the TV. None of these things were asked of you so that you should feel bad, or to spoil your fun. They are simple requests to help you get on with day to day life. So sometimes mother and I get frustrated and then it does not go well. But your are teaching us. Teaching us how to be more patient. Showing us how even a 6 year old can sometimes calm himself. Teaching us that we cannot control the world or others in it but we can choose how we react to it. 

Also, there is the rest of the time when you are not fighting us. You are adventurous, creative, kind, intelligent, funny and challenging. Really, you are a marvel. I look at you and I see so much potential. If I have done my job well, you should be older now and confident in your own skin. You should know that you are good and you should not fear to fail, as failing is just learning. You should understand that you do not need to shout at the world to control it, you control your reaction to the world to stop it from shouting. Most of all you should have a profound and solid sense that you are deeply loved by myself and your mother. I know right now that wherever you read this, whenever you read this, I am proud of you and that I love you. I can see the future. I know this to be true because my love for you is not conditional and will be a constant in your life. I know this to be true because I was proud of you the day I met you and am proud of you today and will be proud of you tomorrow. 

I was looking at you and your brother last night, sitting on the bed with your mother whilst she read, and I was thinking what a marvellous thing it is that your parents are from such different linage. You two bring together all the strengths and weaknesses of generations of two families that grew in completely different worlds. That makes you strong, in my mind. Whenever your British heritage holds you back, turn to your Peruvian gifts for a way forward. When your Latino blood is causing you problems. delve in to your Britannic ancestors for an alternative approach. Not to mention it has made you beautiful! 

I am hoping that this time together in the Pandemic, as you are home schooling and I am working from home, is serving to cement our bond, one that began with you as a baby. I have had the huge fortune to have been able to spend a lot of time with you these past 6 years and it is my hope that this has stamped an impression of each other into our very beings. It turns out I am someone who needs his own space, who needs to have time on his own, with his own thoughts and company. So I often seek refuge from the noise, movement and intimacy that is other people. However, that does not mean that I do not need people and that I am unable to be close to others. Your morning hugs are the sweetest breakfast and our moments together, either on the sofa, on the bed, you on my lap watching football on the laptop. are moments I cherish and that feel comfortable and nurturing. We so often encourage the future to come quicker, but I know that I will miss those moments when, to soon, they are not longer part of my day. 

It's 5:43 now and I am expecting you to come down any time. I'll sign off for now. 

Love you, my boy. 

Block Engineer

 My boy. Now you are well in to being 6 and growing as a person from day to day. You have started making better choices and your interactions become more thoughtful and more measured as you begin to understand some of the lessons me and your mother are teaching. 

But I don't want to talk about that right now. This post is about Lego!

You have now set up a permanent workshop in the corner of the front room, where the magic happens. It is a constant hive of creative activity and where you spend your time when no other pressing matters demand your attention. I find it calming to watch you tinkering away on your latest challenge, seeing you content in your concentration, the quiet before the storm of excitement when you complete the task you set yourself and want to share it with us all.

It is also where you run to whenever it is time for bed. As the hour for rest approaches there is always a pressing construction issue to be solved before we can initiate the nighttime routine. Come on, Daddy, Lego over resting, any day of the week,

And the things you build! You will see something you like, a plane, a bike, a robot, a star-wars ship, and you will ask me for an image on my phone, so you can "Check the details!" Then away you go to your "workstation" where you begin to pull apart previous creations, search frantically through piles of pieces, throwing out exclamations of frustration or requests for help to find or separate a piece. And then, within a short time, you present you artefact. And I am always amazed. Every time, the resemblance is palpable. I have never failed to see the inspiration in the completed masterpiece. A Blue Angel fighter jet plan, an imperial walker, an articulated lorry. 

A few days ago you noticed online that lego make mini x-wing toys. You disappeared off for half an hour and then returned with the beginnings of your version, but missing some vital pieces. You recruited me to the cause and I embarked on a through search of the various boxes of bricks, muttering, "I'm sure we have lots of those, I've seen them!" But to no avail, I failed you. The project was stumped. Leaving you to your crushing defeat I go about my day, failing you in moral support as I did in Engineering support. Ten minutes later, you bring me your solution. You have abandoned you first approach and come up with a better one.

You, Sir, are a master builder! 

Love you, buddy x